A Code of Courtesy and Kindness >

Right Speech as a Dance

Struggle is productive. If we avoid the clash of differing ideas, we do not communicate about anything important; we stunt our individual growth and kill community. The question is how to differ. Here are some suggestions from members of the UUBF-L:

• Ignoring offensive messages is often more effective at stopping that behavior, than objecting to them. As any parent knows, negative attention can still be a reward.
• Before you disagree with what someone has written, make the effort to find some value in it. Then start your response with positive words about the part you agree with. This practice will not only help you learn compassion, it will give you the best chance of being heard.
• If you are feeling angry (etc.) let it rest. Type up a response if you must but do not send it, at least for a day. Then reread it and meditate on it / take a walk before sending it.
• If the subject is sensitive, reply privately / off list / directly to the person you're responding to.
• If you feel someone is violating the code of the list, please let them know, off list, and see if you can work it out. Please park your paranoia — and assume the other person's benign intent. We all define right speech differently.
• What is most important is that everyone feel they are respected and appreciated. We can disagree with each other respectfully and with appreciation.

Like male and female, like night and day, like ying and yang, the use of right speech is a marriage, or dance of the sometimes opposing forces of individual freedom and belonging to a community. All the great conversations happen in the border lands between "opposing" ethics. As UUs we seek to find and dwell in the areas we hold in common.

For more thoughts relevant to our Code of Courtesy and Kindness, see...

• Some original Buddhist texts on Right Speech, at Access to Insight
• The Value of Rules and Kindness — a list posting from Manager Sam.
• Gurus, Professors and Prophets, by member George Buchanan: why certain behaviors are inappropriate on list.
• Writing as Practice — why certain writing skills are essential to Right Speech
• Electronic right Speech
• Respecting Copyright on the UUBF-L
• The UUA Email List User's Guide: Rules for Participating

last updated 13 May 2002